Staying Current: Fantastic Four 576-579

(Editor's Note- "Staying Current" is a feature intended to to let all of this site's loyal readers know what's happening within the newest issue of Fantastic Four. However, as the feature hasn't been "current" for quite some time, today is going to be a summary of the past 4 issues. It is urged that in addition to reading these synopses, you go enjoy these books in their fullness, because they are really jam packed with wonderfully engaging stories.

What is essential to understand is that in issue #574 an adult Franklin Richards came back from the future and told his sister Valeria that there would be a war between 4 cities. In issue #575 the FF came across city #1, the city of the High Evolutionary.... )


Fantastic Four #576-"Prime Elements Part 2- The Old Kings of Atlantis"
Cover Date: APR 2010 Price $2.99
Cover Tagline :"Tell me, who speaks for man?"
Writer/Artist: Jonathan Hickman/ Dale Eaglesham



What Happened- The issue starts with Sue explaining to Ben and Johnny the existence of an Arctic base that she and Reed's science grants help to fund. Because of the base's unique location in extreme temperatures, it was of interest to science when it was discovered that there was a large body of suspended water near the area. According to Sue, this means that any living thing in the area will have been untouched by human evolutionary standards for the last 500,000 years, and could follow a divergent evolutionary path.

The research team stationed at the base then discovered that there was some type of "superstructure" beneath the ice. This structure was also of interest to the terrorist group called A.I.M., who Reed discovers via spy satellite is trying to infiltrate the area. Naturally, the Fantastic Four head to the base to stop A.I.M. and any dastardly deeds they may enact on the area.

The FF arrive at the base and are told by of the research team that there is a thermal vent near the superstructure whose sheer noise will prevent the team from communicating while they are below the water. In a masterpiece of graphic storytelling, the comic goes "silent" for the next few pages as the team dives below the water past the thermal vent and finds not only A.I.M terrorists, but giant eel and fish-type creatures as well. The FF repel the A.I.M. threat, and are cornered by what could be referred to as "fishmen." The fishmen give the FF some telepathic communicators (not unlike the brain slugs from tv's Futurama), and the team is taken before three royal undersea figures.


The main royal figure speaks to the FF and identifies himself as Ul-Uhar. He welcomes the team to Atlantis, to which everyone gives a big WHAAAA?? Reed tells Ul-Uhar that Atlantis has been destroyed, to which the other royal figures reply that the entire SEA is Atlantis. Ul-Uhur then goes on to say that he is confused, because the A.I.M. agents and the FF are both human yet fight each other. He then basically asks the FF to "take me to your leader", wondering who the king of humanity is. Reed tells him that humanity isn't like that, with things like democracy, the U.N, and text voting on American Idol speaking for the best interests instead of one person. Sue then stops Reed, and tells Ul-Uhur that she speaks for humanity. Ul-Uhur tells Sue that she needs to deliver a message: "The old kings of Atlantis have returned."

What I Thought: This issue was very powerful. Although at first I felt cheated by the lack of dialogue, it all came together after taking the time to appreciate Mr. Eaglesham's visuals. And seeing Sue step forward as the voice of humanity gave me chills, because it fits her personality yet promises huge repercussions. But that's what a Fantastic Four issue is supposed to do, right?

Fantastic Four #577-"Prime Elements Part 3- Universal Inhumans"
Cover Date: MAY 2010 Price $2.99
Cover Tagline :"How Does One Best Serve the Universal Collective?"
Writer/Artist: Jonathan Hickman/ Dale Eaglesham

What Happened: This issue starts six months in the past on the blue area of the moon, which is home to the Fantastic Four's allies (and sometimes lovers) the Inhumans. The leader of the Inhumans, the tight lipped and ultra cool Black Bolt, summons his people to head out with him into space. Before they leave, Black Bolt and Medusa bid farewell to a white-bearded Inhuman who will be staying behind. Some ominous words about a "gathering" are spoken, and Black Bolt places a large rod (it's kind of like a citronella candle) into the surface of the moon, and then the Inhuman ship takes off. Time goes on, and as the bearded Inhuman waits, he tells the other inhabitant of the moon, everyone's favorite voyeur Uatu the Watcher, that some crazy stuff is about to go down. Suddenly, a giant alien space ship lands on the surface of the moon.


Reed uses his spy satellite (just like last issue!! Maybe he wants Uatu's job) and sees the ship landing on the moon. He tells Sue, Ben, and Johnny that it appears to be a colonization vessel, and invites them to come investigate. When the team gets to the moon, Reed sensors pick up tens of thousands of heat signatures within the vessel, and the team wonders how to get inside. The white bearded inhuman from the prologue appears and invites the team to come inside. The Inhuman reveals that his name is Gandal--I mean "the summoner", and he welcomes the team to the "universal city."


The summoner shows the team around the ship, and asks Reed if he knows how the Inhumans came into existence. Reed gives the summoner a big "duh" and Reed basically tells beardy to "tell me something I don't know. " The Summoner obliges by telling Reed that the Inhumans the FF have come to know are not the only Inhumans. They are creations of the Kree race, and their mutations are brought on by their skins exposures to the Terrigan mists. But the crazy thing is, there are 4 other kinds of Inhumans, all with different catalysts that change them (included in these 4 kinds are Dire Wraiths, who were last seen in this site's review of issue 277).


Reed, Sue, Johnny, Ben, and I are all blown away by the implications of this wide of a scope of Inhumans, but that's not all. The Summoner goes on to tell Reed that Black Bolt went on his space journey to go and destroy the Kree Supreme intelligence, and that when he comes back, he is going to be the leader of all 5 of the tribes of the Inhumans. Reed asks if they plan to live on the moon, and the summoner drops a final bomb: They are all going to live on Earth.

What I Thought: This issue blew my mind. Pure and simple. Jonathan Hickman took a play out of the Geoff Johns handbook and totally retconned an established property such as the Inhumans, giving them an entirely new purpose in the Marvel Universe. In one issue. See, this is why I tell people to read this book!



Fantastic Four #578-"Prime Elements Part 4- The Cult of the Negative Zone"
Cover Date: JUN 2010 Price $2.99
Cover Tagline :"Here you die. In the Negative Zone, you can live."
Writer/Artist: Jonathan Hickman/ Dale Eaglesham (in his final issue...tears.)

What Happened: This story is narrated by Johnny Storm and begins with him scammin on a hottie in da club. Actually for a club it's really weird, and there's a bald guy calling himself the anti-priest and yelling about "new rules for life."

As for Johnny and the girl, he invites her back to the Baxter Building to see his "rocket ship" (okay, that was my joke, not his), and when the girl finds the opening to the Negative Zone portal, this happens:

Yes, you saw correctly, giant mechanical bugs with bombs jumped out of her back and flew into the negative zone. Johnny follows the bugs inside and finds that there is a battle raging with the N-Zone. The battle is being fought between those who follow Ahnillus, the former bug faced ruler of the Negative Zone, and Blastaar, who used to just be a lowly Negative Zone villain. Johnny then goes on to tell that the "#42 Negative Zone Prison" from the Civil war has been re purposed into a city. We as the audience find out at this point that he has been telling the story to Valeria, who is entering facts onto her computer. She comments that the Negative Zone Prison City, along with the city of old Atlantis and the city of the Universal Inhumans, is now the fourth city that the team has recently come across.

We cut to a scene with Susan Richards visiting Ul-Uhur (the king of the Fishmen from issue #576), along with an envoy of Namor. Namor's envoy tells Ul-Uhur two things: Namor is awesome, and until they're willing to come to the surface, the "old kings" of Atlantis have no say in anything. So just to spite Namor, Ul-Uhur raises the city...


We cut back to Johnny, as Reed comes in to have a heart-to-heart with him. Reed basically tells Johnny that bringing that bug filled flusie back to the Baxter Building was really bad judgment, and that everyone else is changing, so Johnny needs to grow up a little.

And just for good measure we end the issue on a scene of the Inhumans. As they prepare to conquer the earth, they offer a sacrifice: they send 6 of their best warriors into a battle they cannot win. The issue ends with the warriors rushing into the negative zone, and a caption that reads "And so, in the Negative Zone, the war of four cities begins."



What I thought: Another terrific issue. Hickman captures Johnny's voice in a way that Mark Millar only wishes he could. Youthful, humorous, but experienced as a superhero, this is a Johnny I'd like to (and probably will) read more about.

As the end of the "Prime Elements" arc, I will say that there was very little resolution here. I don't think you can really criticize something for having too epic of a scope, but it does depend a lot on presentation (like Final Crisis, with its big ideas but limited space). This arc sets the stage for the future of the FF series, which I knew from reading interviews with writer Jonathan Hickman. The casual reader may be a bit put-off by the scope of these stories, and this might falter when read in a trade, but I appreciate that threads from Hickman's first issue are still paying off eight issues later. I'd liken this book to Green Lantern in the sense that everything eventually serves a purpose, no matter how small it may seem. Rest assured, it's a HUGE story, but if you stick with it, it's very satisfying.

Fantastic Four #579-"The Future Foundation"
Cover Date: JUL 2010 Price $2.99 (Thank you, Marvel!)
Cover Tagline :"The Future of Man is not here...it is out there."
Writer/Artist: Jonathan Hickman/ Neil Edwards

What Happened: Our story starts At the Singularity conference in Golden , Colorado. A meeting of the most brilliant minds from around the world, speakers come to Singularity share ways in which Science will effect the future(apparently it's real), and it's Reed Richards' turn to speak. Well, does he have something to say. After praising the ideals of the keynote speaker (who happens to be the She-Hulk, who talked about the ethics of genetics within the confines of the law), Reed rips into his fellow presenters. I never thought I'd enjoy reading a comic where someone gets a "stern talking to", but watching a smart guy tell a bunch of other smart guys that they've gotten lazy is just plain awesome. Anyway, after Reed tells the audience they've gotten old and their ideas are not bold enough, he resigns from the Singularity council like a total rock star.

We cut to a week later, and Alex from the Power Pack is arriving at the Baxter Building. Alex tells Reed that he doesn't feel smart enough to be included in Reed's new project, but Reed tells Alex his experience as a superhero offer him a unique perspective.

We cut to a scene of Sue talking to Ul-Uhur (the king of the fishmen), and he tells her that her request is unusual, but now that he raised the city, he feels as if he can dream again. He tells her that her wish is granted, and the scene leaves us hanging...

We go back to the Baxter Building, where the super smart Moloids who Ben Grimm rescued from issue #575 are doing equations. One Moloid realizes that there is a curved axis that runs through the 4 cities that the FF have recently been exploring...

We then cut to a two page spread about Nu-World, which was seemingly destroyed in issue #573. I'm gonna be honest, I'm not fully sure what this part of the story means just yet, other than it obviously has huge bearing on what's coming up next.

We then jump back to the Baxter Building, where Franklin is sparring with Artie and Leech (these Morlocks were taken in by the FF around issue #574). Franklin is looking for a catch phrase, while Ben Grimm and Alex from Power Pack watch the fighting. In the corner of the room Valeria Richards tinkers with the brain of the Dragon Man, saying she is trying to make him better, but can't get it right. As Franklin beats up his friends, Artie shows Valeria with his mind what the Dragon Man's brain looks like disassembled. Val then asks him to show her with his mind what her pen looks like disassembled, and she thinks it's really cool...

We then cut to a scene of Reed visiting the "Wizard", a.k.a. Bentley Whitman, in his psychiatric hospital. Whitman asks Reed if he solved everything (referring to Reed's former goal in issues 570-573), and can tell by Reed's demeanor that he tried and gave up. Whitman gloats and tells Reed that it is scientific fact that everything will eventually burn. Reed, unimpressed, tells the Wizard that he is going to raise Whitman's young clone (who the FF adopted around issue #570) to be a good person. As you can imagine, the Wizard is not too happy about this development.

When we cut back to the Baxter Building, we see the coming together of all the elements of this issue into one conglomerate: a group called the "Future Foundation", made up of all the kids Reed has adopted as well as Alex and Dragon Man. Whether this has the makings of a new superteam or the comic book equivalent of the Hitler youth movement remains to be seen...

What I Thought: This is the first issue of Fantastic Four to feature "The Heroic Age" banner at the top, and I can very much see how it is intended to be a jumping on point for new readers. In that spirit of renewed hope and direction, it succeeds. We see the culmination of the fact that Reed has been taking in a lot of stray kids lately, and we see the seeds of their role within the promised "war of four cities." While I think it's time the ball got rolling on the war, I'm still impressed by how good these FF stories are.

Woah. There you have it. My brain is sufficiently fried from all that catching up. And since the newest issue of Fantastic Four hits stands today, we'll be seeing the summary of issue #580 shortly. Until I learn to not procrastinate, vive le fantastique!

New Feature: One-Shot Showdown

It’s One-Shot Showdown! In which I compare the merits of two Fantastic Four related one-shots and render a verdict as to which one’s better. All decisions are final, written in stone, and utterly absolute…something around here has to be, right?

Today’s Theme: Humor

Today’s Contenders-
1982’s Fantastic Four Roast



Versus

2009’s Marvel TV: Galactus: The Real Story


Did you know there are some FF specials specifically written as satire?... neither did I. Not until searching some back listings of my favorite eBay store did I discover that these two issues even existed. And perhaps after we place them head-to-head, we’ll find some explanation for such graphic novel anonymity. Without further ado…Fight!

Fantastic Four Roast:
The plot: Fred Hembeck (apparently he’s a writer/artist) emcees a roast to celebrate 20 years of Marvel’s First Family. The entire population of crappy early 1980’s Marvel Universe make appearances, each with his/her individual take on the FF. Overall wackiness ensues as we discover that someone is out to get the FF.
Positives:
+ This is honestly one of the strangest FF-inspired comic books I’ve ever seen. Its very existence makes it a must-read for a collector such as this reviewer.

+ This comic book is for anyone who has a working knowledge of the Marvel Universe, and doesn’t take it too seriously. Jokes about “peeping Uatu”, Dr. strange being so boring that his speech puts everyone to sleep, and Moon Knight being a Batman rip-off give this book the perfect amount of tongue-in-cheek.

+ Despite the humorous nature of the book, there was a huge cast of artists who do some pretty impressive interiors, as well as a cool two-page pin up of all the Marvel heroes.
Negatives:
- Well, obviously the fact that this based in a time period when “roasts” were actually pretty common place totally dates this book.

- Like many older comics, the writing can be a bit verbose. With my modern attention span and comedic tastes, I’m used to a little more brevity.

- Fred Hembeck’s not as compelling as he believes.

And since you’re probably in the throes of curiosity, here are some scans:

Marvel TV: Galactus: The Real Story
The Plot: Think “TMZ meets the Marvel Universe” and you have the main contents of this comic. The idea is that much like the moon landing, there is a large section of the population of the Marvel Universe that believes that the giant purple planet-devouring villain known Galactus is actually a hoax. Interviews with the Wingless Wizard, a certain blurred out Avenger with a purple costume and bow and arrows, and a man claiming to be Galactus himself all help to posit various theories about the true nature of the purple destroyer.
Positives:
+ This comic has a quick comedic pace and some good visual gags. The blurred out Avenger is obviously Hawkeye, and as he is interviewed you can clearly see another picture of him on his wall behind his blurred visage.

+ This comic does a good job of incorporating the Marvel Universe as a whole into the whole Galactus conversation. There is even talk of a secret Illuminati that has orchestrated all the events in the Marvel Universe that consists of Beta Ray Bill, Dazzler, Puck, Deadpool, and Lockjaw.

+ The mock ads, skewed re-enactments of the FF’s history featuring rather ugly actors, and various conspiracy theories provided about Galactus aid this book in a consistent tabloid television-like feel.
Negatives:
- The cover is taken exactly from the splash page. That just screams “rush job from editorial” to me.

- Not really the story’s fault, but there is also a reprint of Fantastic Four #50 in the back of the book. It’s nice to see Kirby work in colored form, but it just seems like filler in this instance.

The Winner….

Upon second look, these books both proved to really have some laugh out loud (or at the least chuckle out loud) moments, but I’m going to go with the Fantastic Four Roast comic. While both of these one-shots are products of their respective times, and “tabloid exposes” such as the Marvel TV issue will probably seem dated down the road, the name of the game ultimately is "funny." The Fantastic Four Roast is joke-after-joke, done in such a flamboyantly farcical manner that no part of the story that takes itself seriously. While you may be hard pressed to remember the gags of the Roast issue specifically, it serves to make you take a second look. So if you’re ever faced with the dilemma of only being able to choose one these books, you can now make an informed decision. Until I find a Disco themed Fantastic Four one-shot from the 1970’s, Vive le Fantastique!

Thinking Outside the Box: Fantastic Four #277

(Editor's Note- For those of you out there who don't yet know my story, this blog started as a way for me to document my journey as I navigate my way through a giant box of Fantastic Four comics that I won on eBay. Although I've always had a mild interest in the team, buying such a large lot of their comics at once ignited within me a mad desire to go back and buy any and all of the other FF comics I can get my hands on. For those comics bought after the initial box of 163, I confer upon them "outside the box" status.)

Fantastic Four #277-"Full Circle"
Cover Date: APR 1985 Price $.65
Cover Tagline: "The World's Greatest Comic Magazine" Writer/Artist: John Byrne


What Happened: For details on what happened in the beginning of this storyline, please follow this link. This story picks up pretty much where #276 left off, but in a rather interesting manner. Told entirely in "split-screen", this issue is like two full plots for the price of one. Or at the very least, it's like 2 player Goldeneye for the Nintendo 64. Yeah, it's that exciting.


In the top half story, we get the return of Ben Grimm, a.k.a the superhero known as the Thing, to Earth from the Planet of the "Secret Wars." The Thing is back and for some reason wearing boots and a black unitard, and his first order of business is to visit his longtime gal friend Alicia Masters. Of course, Ben opens Alicia's door to find none other than his supposed best friend Johnny Storm shacking up with her. In a moment that's been a long time coming, Ben calls Johnny out for being the player that he is.



The two argue, and of course, Alicia breaks it up. Alicia slaps Grimm (proving she really is blind), and tells him that it's more than hanky-panky, she actually loves Johnny. While the Thing never intended to actually get back together with Alicia, he feels slighted that he wasn't even able to express this to her without the "love struck Romeo" getting in the way.


As the lover's triangle heats up, Ben notices that something weird is going on . He turns to see strange happenings with the Sun. Apparently an alien world is hurling towards the Earth. Talk about the best moment ever for a distraction. As Ben, Johnny, and Alicia wonder what's going on, the entire Earth begins to shake. The two heroes spring into action,as Ben rushes off to help people and Johnny goes to drop Alicia off at the Baxter Building. While there, Johnny meets up with she-Hulk and the always politically incorrect Wyatt Wingfoot, who tells him that reports of damage are coming in from all over, meaning that the new planet in the sky is quite a threat. Johnny tells everyone to hang tight, and flies off. Alicia yells for her darling to be careful, revealing that her Johnny got a "thang" going on. This prompts She-Hulk to ask the obvious question: What will Ben think?! And Alicia mentions he just found out. At these revelations, She-Hulk realizes her time with the FF may be coming to a close...


We shift back to the Thing talking to a hottie on the street, asking if she needs help (because it's always more fun to save hot people), and she tells him that the "world-merge" is happening as she transforms into a really ugly orange creature. The creature shoots a tentacle into the Thing's head, and he realizes it must be a "Dire Wraith." Of course! That's totally logical?????

Anyway, the Wraith promptly passes out, and we find out that its entire planet has been destroyed by a space station. The editor's note tells us to read Rom #65 for details. Did you know this was some kind of crossover issue? Surprise! neither did I....

Any way, the top story ends with She-Hulk saying she will leave the team now that Ben has returned, even though it saddens her to do so. Ben tells her not to worry, because he doesn't want his job back. Apparently his new boots (and unitard) were made for walkin!

The Bottom half of the story is more of a direct continuation of the main story from last issue (as well as the video review). Last issue ended with Dr. Strange, Marvel's master of magic, feeling a great disturbance in the force, and flying off to combat the problem. As his story opens, he finds that the small Connecticut town that was attacked last issue is smoldering and surrounded by police. Strange approaches the cops disguised as an average doctor, just lending a hand, and is shocked to find that there are a few dead bodies laying on the street- those of Reed, Sue, and Franklin Richards.

As strange is taken aback by the fact that the heroes seem all but lost (and I'm taken aback by the fact that Sue is in her underwear for some reason), everyone's favorite paranoid budinski Mrs. Chalmers shows up to tell the police that her neighbors were really demons in disguise. Strange's interest is piqued, and Chalmers reveals that she hired the exorcist Elspeth Cromwell to dispatch the evil pretenders...

We cut to a scene of Susan Richards (no longer in her undies but in full FF gear) being tortured in Hades by Mephisto, Marvel Comics answer to the Devil. As any good husband would, Reed tells Mephisto to get his brimstone scorched hands off his wife. Mephisto goes onto show Reed whose boss, in a comically frightening manner, by stretching his face like silly puddy.

And like any good wife (geez, Reed and Sue love each other, we get it), Sue yells at Mephisto to stop, before he kills Reed. Old Phisty says that deaths not a problem anymore, and proves it by impaling the Invisible Woman on a stalactite, or stalagmite, or big poky thing. As she writhes in pain, Dr. Strange appears to help the FF. Phisty knocks the good Dr. back, and Strange realizes the demon is getting a power boost from a nearby crystal. Strange then notices that the crystal contains none other than Franklin Richards. Strange goes to free Frankie, and Reed realizes that Mephisto is afraid of the lad.

Reed also realizes that the FF aren't actually dead, but just in a mental form of their bodies, and that's why they're in their uniforms and not their underwear. Strange blows open the crystal, and Frankie wakes up in a haze. Mephisto goes to clobber the boy, but then this happens:



Franklin, as a powerful reality shaping mutant, literally wishes Mephisto away.


Well, the FF wake up from death, and Dr. Strange lets Mrs. Chalmers know that she severely misjudged her neighbors. He also says that Mephisto probably isn't gone for good, and may be back someday to ruin Spider-Man's marriage in a poorly-conceived and divisive storyline. Oh, and by the way, Elspeth Cromwell doesn't wake up. Ding Dong, the witch hunters dead, and it's pretty much thanks to Mrs. Chalmers....


What I Thought: Normally, my thinking outside the box reviews won't be this long, but I'm glad to say that this was one of the best issues I've read of FF since I started buying heinous amounts of them.

I think what made this issue so satisfying was that it tied up a few storylines with an urgent sense of pacing. We FINALLY see the Johnny/Ben/Alicia thing come to a head, the Mephisto story gets a quick ending, and even the worst part of the story (the Rom tie-in) is brushed aside inconsequentially enough for it to be ignored. The split-screen storytelling may seem cheap and gimmicky, but at least it's something different. I've stated many times that John Byrne did a lot of different things during his time with the FF, and this issue is another example. I feel like a broken record saying that but it's true. I mean seeing Mephisto torturing the FF in Hades is something I don't exactly expect from my monthly FF comics, but Byrne used the situation to allow the characterizations of Reed, Sue, and Franklin to really shine.

Well that's it for now. I start my summer vacation tomorrow night, so I hope to unveil a new feature or two here within the week!!! See you soon, and until unitards become cool, vive le fantastique!

Did you even know we were at war?

Fantastic Four #288

Fantastic Four #288-"Full Circle"

Cover Date: Mar 1986 Price $.75

Cover Tagline: "Doctor Doom vs The Beyonder"
Writer/Artist: John Byrne

(Editor's Note- Have you ever had one of those tasks on your "to do" list that you hate to do so much that you'll put off forever? Well consider this review one of them. It has literally been a goal of mine to "review FF #288" for about a month. Seriously, I need some closure from this issue, and continue moving on with my life. So for the good of my sanity,this blog, and the world at large, here we go....)

Story: This issue quickly picks up right where the last one left off, with Johnny "I'll shack up with my best friend's girl the minute he's out of the picture" Storm literally torching his way through some of Dr. Doom's mindless robot drones. You see, at the end of last issue, Johnny received a distress signal from his sister, the Invisible Woman, indicating she was in danger at the Latverian Embassy. As if anything good could ever come of having a Latverian Embassy anywhere....

As Johnny flies around burning things, he thinks aloud that it's strange that the doombots are so active, considering their master is dead. As the Human Torch turns to fry his next victim, he finds not an automaton, but an old lady. This "harmless old lady" is Sarah, the next door neighbor of Peggy McArthur, who we learned last issue was the simple housewife whose husband's body had been taken over by the consciousness of Dr. Doom. In one 8 panel page, good old Sarah pours on the exposition with a shot-for-shot retelling of Peggy's story, thereby rendering the purchase of the previous issue moot. Ah, the eighties, when writers retold you everything you needed to know EVERY issue.

As Sarah finishes telling Johnny her tale of neighborly woe, he stands in seeming disbelief. But he gives her the "geriatric benefit-of-the-doubt" pass and goes on to find Doom and Peggy, along with his sister. Spotting a melee in the next room, the Torch spots She-Hulk and her fellow superheroine friend Wasp slagging some more doombots. Once again, I must reiterate, there is something disturbingly gratifying with the way the Doombots cry out in agony as they're destroyed: "Squeeeee!"

Not since the Power Rangers used to destroy the nearly endless hoards of puddys by punching the "Z's" on their chests have I so enjoyed the deaths of mindless foot soldiers.

As the Wasp and She-Hulk continue to rip through Doombots, Reed Richards comes out of pretty much thin air to congratulate them on the way they can beat on mindless droids. Reed tells the two lovely ladies that he was there responding to the Invisible Woman's distress signal (ahh, the old distress signal plot device. Where the heck would the FF be without it?), and he asks them where Susan is. The heroines tell Richards that his wife is off with the Invincible Man, who we as readers learned was actually Dr. Doom. Well, he's Dr. Doom in the body of Mr. McArthur, in the garb of the Invincible Man. Mom always said to dress in layers, but that's just ridiculous.

As Reed and the super hotties chat it up, Johnny joins the scene . And with their reunion, Dr. Doom also makes his presence known. Hitting the group with a sonic disruptor, Dr. Doom then proceeds to place each of the heroes in a cage that matches and disrupts their powers. Reed and the Wasp are in some kind of giant bubble, Susan Richards is in a cage that has the same frequencies as her own force field, Johnny Storm is in an inert fluid that allows him to breathe but not flame on, and the She Hulk is in a web of invisible unbreakable molecular chains. I'll take Doom's word for it as far the actual scientific explanations of his contraptions go, but She-Hulk has to go and call his bluff. She soons learn not to trifle with Doom, as she cuts her skin on the invisible force field. Wenches be triflin, yo.

It seems as if Doom has everyone where he wants them, and Reed asks if it really is Doom in the flesh, or another cheap Doombot. Doom assures everyone that it is him, and takes off his mask to reveal the face of Peggy McArthur's husband Norm. Peggy yells to Mr. Fantastic that he is the most brilliant man on earth, and that he needs to get her husband back. "Norm Doom" goes a little nuts and grabs Peggy, lifting her in the air and telling her that no one is smarter than him. This scene looks familiar,hmmmmm. Maybe because if you replace Peggy with the little Latverian boy Kristoff from issue #258 you would have the exact same panel. But like I said in that review, if you can't trust a megalomaniac dictator to be consistent, who can you trust?

Anyway, in making his point that he really is smart, Norm Doom points Peg's attention to a flaming energy pit on the floor. Apparently, aside from looking like a great place to make a S'more, the pit is full of black magic that is calling forth the most powerful being in the universe. As Doom mentions this, everyone gasps in horror, because they know who the "living embodiment" of energy in the 1986 Marvel Universe is.... The Beyonder! Did I mention that this issue is an insufferable tie-in to the completely unnecessary Marvel company-wide storyline called "Secret Wars II"? The Beyonder appears, in his Saturday Night Fever Best, perm and all.

Well, the Beyonder is not too keen on being summoned, and asks Doom who he is and what he wants. This is a bit odd, considering the two had met before. Doom takes advantage of this confusion by blasting the Beyonder. You gotta admit, shooting the most powerful being in the universe with anything is pretty impressive. It seems that when Doom and the Beyonder met during "Secret Wars I", Doom actually stole the Beyonder's omnipotent powers, so there is a glimmer of hope that he can do so again. But the tables are quickly turned as the Beyonder begins to blast Doom, and lectures him on the depravity of mankind. As the Beyonder begins to go into full lecture mode (we're talking graduation commencement levels), someone yells "No!!"

The Beyonder turns to find that it was Reed who was yelling, and asks him why he of all people would want to save Doom's life. Reed explains that the Beyonder had met Doom before, so there must be something wrong since he does not remember him. Reed then goes into a 3 page history lesson about what Doom did during the first "Secret Wars" series, which in a nutshell was that Doom stole the Beyonder's powers, got killed, and was then reborn and banished to who knows where. The Beyonder still claims that he doesn't know this guy, and Reed figures out that it's because the Beyonder is looking at Doom's aura crossed with that of Norm McArthur. The Beyonder looks closer, and realizes that it is the same jerk's aura residing in the body of someone new. The Beyonder goes in to make the kill, but Reed once again yells "No!" Man, I thought his catch phrase was "great scott!"

Reed explains to the Beyonder that when all the heroes and villains were plucked from earth and put on an alien world to fight in the first "Secret Wars", the Doom that was there had his own body, with it's own aura (not the Norm Doom aura he has now, but the original flavor Victor Von Doom aura). At the time of the first Secret Wars, Doom's regular body had been destroyed, so for him to have his original flavor aura during the time of "Secret Wars I" must have meant that the Beyonder pulled Doom from a different part of the time stream.

Richards goes on to tell the Beyonder that this means that when the Beyonder pulled Doom out of the time stream, he created a self fulfilling time loop, wherein everyone else's pasts became the new Doom's future. If the Beyonder were to erase what the Doom from the past was going to do, it would erase what had already happened for the others, creating a collapse in time and space. Well, the beyonder is taken aback by this possibility, and does what any self-respecting surprised god would do: he separates Norm McArthur and Doom, banishes Doom to the first "Secret Wars", and then leaves.

Well, just when you thought it couldn't get anymore convoluted, Reed tells the gang that now that the Beyonder banished Doom from this time period back to the beginning of Secret Wars, it means that the Doom from the end of the Secret Wars is now going to reappear to complete the time loop and right the universe's sense of balance. The FF high-tail it out of there so they don't have to face Doom when he appears, and as they leave, the last panel shows Doom starting to come back to reality. Maybe someday the FF will face Doom again...maybe.

What I thought: You already know I hate this issue. It took forever to read, understand, and write about all the garbage in this issue. I could have lived with the Norm Doom storyline, but once the Beyonder showed up, and we got into the whole "time loop" fiasco, it became one giant headache. I will applaud the amount of exposition and ground that Byrne had to cover here. He had to retell the events of last issue, move the story along, introduce the Beyonder, recount the first Secret Wars series, and then explain how Doom had come back to life again.

I had some fine folks comment that Byrne was just doing stories that fit what was being dictated to him by editorial at the time, and after giving that consideration, I could see that type of reality come to life in this issue. If anything, this issue taught me a little comics equation. Event comics+time travel headaches+ Jerry curl velour suit Beyonder= Totally Bad Issue. It can be any comic, not just Fantastic Four, and that equation would still hold true. So until "Secret Wars III" comes out and totally blows my mind, vive le Fantastique!

Only Doom would commend someone on their sensuality before trying to murder them.

Odds and Ends

Greetings True Believers, FFanatics, Plazaheads, Richards Ruvvers, or whatever other pet name you prefer, I hope you're all doing well.

I wanted to stop by and mention a few things:

1.) I have been putting off blogging due to real life commitments mostly, but a lot of the delay can be blamed on having to review issue 388. Seriously, it's that bad...so stay tuned I guess. But in all reality, it looks like I won't be here too much until the end of next month (May), when summer starts and I really won't have anything to do but sit around and read comics. I'm hoping to do a lot of work here on the site, including some catch up reviews of the "Staying Current" feature. Jonathan Hickman just pulled a Geoff Johns sized retcon on the Inhumans last issue (577) and it's kind of crazy. Coupled with his (seemingly) complete annihilation of Nu-World, this guy is just flat out steam rolling his way into FF history...and my heart.

2.) In a follow up story to one of my earlier posts, it was announced this weekend at the Chicago Comic and Entertainment Expo (or C2E2) that Marvel is going to put out some kind of Fantastic Four related story called "3". This is my speculation here, but it may have something to do with Ben Grimm being announced as one of the New Avengers not too long ago. Or it could be some kind of team up between Franklin, Valeria, and Lockjaw. Fantastic 3...where's the alliteration in that?

3.) Dale Eaglesham, artist extraordinaire on the current run of FF comics, will be leaving the book to do a project that stars (and stripes) Steve Rogers (the former Captain America) with writer Ed Brubaker.

4.) Because I have yet to reveal this online, I did in fact finish all of the Heroes Reborn: Fantastic Four trade paperback. Your adulation and commendations can be sent via the comment section on this very site. Many a man has stared down the 12 issues contained in the book, only to be bored to the point of insanity and or no return. While I did falter and stumble in the face of such sheer mid-90's ridiculousness, I picked myself up, gritted my teeth, and took in every awkward moment of the half baked storyline. I'd like to say that I'm a better person for it, but no, Heroes Reborn doesn't work like that.

Well, 4 points seems cliched enough for a stopping point. So until this blog has a billion followers, Vive le Fantastique!