Fantastic Four #327

Fantastic Four 327-“Why?!!”
Cover Date Jun 1989 Price $.75
Writer/ Artist-John Harkness (if that is your real name!)/ Keith Pollard
Cover Tagline: “The Thing-- No More!"
Number of issues between last box pull: 0

Hey FFans, long time no write! Actually at this point, it's probably just "FFan", and I may or may not be referring to myself. Anywho, it's your flagrantly farcical friend Kello here, back with another frenetic foray into the world of everyone's favorite family of adventurers!

...In other words, I'm gonna tell you about some old Fantastic Four comic. Yes, I've dipped back into the "box" for the follow up to March's Fantastic Four #326 review. What, you've forgotten that review already? Seriously, it was only 4 months ago...

What Happened: Our story dives right in with a close-up shot of Ben Grimm shouting the most appropriate question one could ask regarding this comic- "WHY?!!" Surprised that he unexpectedly returned to his human form after being zapped by a ray at the end of last issue, Ben is now caught in the middle of a battle royal (with cheese) between the Frightful Four and the Fantastic Four.

This fierce fracas goes on for a significant amount of pages, and everyone gets a turn trying out some late 80's hero/villain banter:




After both sides get some good licks in, The Frightful Four retreat out the window and the FF decide not to give chase. Instead they hang back and admire Ben's transformation from big orange rocky looking guy in underwear to relatively big human looking guy in underwear. Of course, this leads to some dramatic tension, because a.) Without powers, Ben can no longer lead the FF, and b.) Pretty much the only commonality Ben has with his current girlfriend is that they're fugly rock monsters. It's ok though, both problems get resolved for the time being, as Ben hugs his "woman" and Reed plots to wrest control of the group.


Speaking of teams with tension, we're next treated to the Frightful Four's post-game pow-wow. Instead of focusing on the positives ("I really liked the way you threatened Franklin Richards, Klaw. You know how to pick on vulnerable people") , the ne'er do wells blame each other for the shared failure.

This gives Wizard pause, and he steals away for a page of "me time."


During a rather long-winded soliloquy, Wizard blurts out that going up against Reed and his entire family has taught him that Richards' reliance on his emotions is his biggest weakness. "The Wiz" asserts that he has the upper hand, because all the people he associates with are simply underlings whom he cares nothing for. Wizard then goes on to talk about hiring a mysterious new ally, and we see some not-so-subtle foreshadowing of a Giant Dragon flying outside the window. It almost looks like a "Dragon Man."


We jump back over to Four Freedoms, where Reed assumes control of the team once again, effectively ending the reign of terror that began in issue 307 (now THAT was a doozy!). He informs the team he has triangulated the whereabouts of the Frightful Four, and from there we have a rehash of the beginning of the issue. The FF take on the Frightful Four, trading equal numbers of blows and quips. The only difference with this new battle is how the FF abruptly pass out. 75% of the Frightful Four are baffled by this occurrence and look to the Wizard for the answer.


Wizzy reveals his new allies: Aron the Watcher, and Dragon Man! ...Yeah, that's the cliffhanger.

Rar! They're menacing.

What I thought: This issue was a little bit like a sporting event. The two teams beat on each other, took a half-time to regroup, and then beat on each other some more until one side emerged victorious. While I would liken Reed's half-time coaching style to the more level-headed Coach K, it's Wizard's Bobby Knight inspired hissy fit that wins the day. Realizing there's no friends in villainy (much like there's no crying in baseball), Wizard called in some clutch relief and went hard in the paint to bring this baby home. That's all she wrote folks for the sports references, by the way.

But in all honesty, this issue had very little substance, and even the slightly compelling question of "What to do with Ben now that he's just a man?" loses it's appeal quickly. Everyone knows he'll be the Thing again in no time, and seriously, does anyone want to see a dude make out with a rocky creature? I guess there's a bit of a double-standard, because I don't mind Alicia with Ben when he's in his rocky form.

Once again Keith Pollard's art is above average. In a story with a lot of action sequences, Pollard does a nice job of mixing up the heroes and villains to convey a real sense of people "throwing down." And his rendition of a Rhino made of pure sound was pretty neat too!

And finally, Reed retakes command of the Fantastic Four. While it was an inevitability that was coming for some 20 issues, Reed acts like such a presumptuous jerk when it comes to leading the FF that even I was a little put-off (I usually like Reed when he's a jerk). The transfer of power is done with such lack of finesse that you might as well throw away all the comics where Ben serves as leader. Hey you know what? That's not a bad idea....


So until I start dating a girl with rocky orange skin, vive la fantastique!

Jeez! It's called privacy, Reed.

Fantastic Four #326

Fantastic Four 326-“The Illusion”
Cover Date May 1989 Price $.75
Writer/ Artist-John Harkness/ Keith Pollard
Cover Tagline: “The New EVIL F.F.- The Frightful Four!"
Number of issues since last box pull: 5


What Happened: Our story opens with a shot of Reed and Sue Richards walking arm-in-arm through a snowy landscape. Though the heroes are not a part of the active Fantastic Four team, they're both wearing their FF costumes and discussing the recent "Inferno business." This leads me to believe that they just got done taking part in an ill-conceived Marvel line wide event. As the two chat about how they enjoy staying with the Avengers, Reed expresses his need to do more with his time. Having a brilliant mind, Reed isn't content sitting around with his dolt of a wife and their young son Franklin, who honestly acts a bit childish for his father's tastes. Sue tells Reed that he can go run off and play mad scientist, but that he's not allowed to interfere with the current Fantastic Four's adventures. After all, Reed promised to butt out of Ben's affairs back in issue 317.

Reed rockets away in a shuttle, thinking about how Sue somehow treats him like a child, and how she can be such a big doody head. As stretcho contemplates his situation, he correctly ponders the fact that he's pretty dang old for a superhero, so using his brain is really his greatest asset to the world at large. In other words, he wants to run the FF again because he's smarter than Ben.

Arriving at Four Freedoms Plaza (not a shameless plug I swear), he finds he can't get in with his normal keycard. Questioning the malfunctioning security, Reed stretches his skin into the same shape as the key that would be necessary, and proceeds to pick the lock.

Apparently the "super genius" doesn't realize he could just do this everytime and therefore doesn't need to carry a key at all. Entering the building, Reed is shocked to find the security defenses he designed are trying to kill him. Let's watch:

As the threat dies down and our hero is stretched a mile long, the current Fantastic Four team enters the room. Ever the gracious host, Ben Grimm proceeds to mock Reed's deadly situation, calling his stretched-out best friend "spaghetti on speed." Reed replies that he believes that a
"certain current leader" of the Fantastic Four has not been properly maintaining the building, and that Ben's momma is so fat that she has her own zip code. Cut him some slack in the humor department, he's a really old scientist. The team and Reed head to the control room, and old man Richards is dismayed to find his security protocols have not been followed.

Reed's attention then turns to Johnny, who is more flaming than ever (please feel free to read into that sentence what you will). Johnny explains that during the "Inferno" he pushed his powers to the max, and he hasn't been able to "flame-off" since. Reed tells him he could take a look, and Johnny blows him off. Ben also tells him to leave, because he's got everything under control. Thankfully Ms. Marvel (still in rocky form) vouches for Reed and he invites himself to stay. Reed's not very subtle when it comes to wresting control back from loved ones.
As Reed so slyly usurps Ben's position, we jump over to the ever villainous Wizard, whose pontificating about ways to finally conquer his foes in the FF. Apparently Wizard feels that his time for victory has come because Reed Richards didn't design his defenses with computer viruses in mind.

As the Wizard walks through his layer, we as readers are introduced to the NEW and "improved"Frightful Four, consisting of Wizard, Hydro Man, Klaw, and Titania. As each of the villains flaunts his/her recent backstory in a deluge of exposition, Klaw reveals that the time is right to finally attack.

Jumping back to Four Freedoms, Sue and Franklin arrive and greet their family. Sue pulls Ben aside for a bit of "girl talk", and Reed prepares a machine that will de-flame Johnny. Now who's playing god, Reed? Anyway, it wouldn't be an 80's Fantastic Four comic with a completely insane head scratching moment, so we catch up with some of the Frightful Four as they enact their plan. Klaw uses a sound frequency to turn on all the machines at a nearby construction site while Titania pretends to be a street performer outside of Four Freedoms Plaza.
I'm not sure if this was essential to the Wizard's plan, or he just wanted to secretly laugh at Titania. Either way, the Frightful busts into Four Freedoms Plaza just as Johnny gets in the machine. The two teams duke it out, and the dialogue is simply outstanding:

The issue ends with Reed's machine getting blowed up real good, the Torch de-flamed, and most shockingly of all, Ben Grimm in his human form! Man I can't believe no one's ever used that plot before!

What I thought: I started writing this synopsis on February 5th. It is now March 3rd. That's how little interest I had in even approaching this issue. I couldn't even find the strength to make fun of it to my full abilities. I actually really like the Frightful Four as a concept, although I wish it was composed of more "heavy hitters." I think if Marvel could find a storyline that serviced more top-tier villains coming together, the idea of an evil Fantastic Four would be intriguing. Instead we get Hydro Man, who will inevitably be evaporated. All-time spoiler alert.

So in lieu of really tackling the storylines, I'll just ask one question: Why in the world did Klaw start all the engines of the machines at the construction site? Will this come into play next issue? Was this scene cut out from the story before print? How can that be the one major point of contention I have with this issue? UGH. Guys, this was brutal. Until Klaw remote starts my car for me on a cold morning, viva la fantastique!

Reed, asking the question we've all been wondering...

Fantastic Four #307

Fantastic Four #307- “Good-bye”
Cover Date/ Price: Oct 1987 $.75
Writer/ Artist- Steve Englehart/ John Buscema/ Joe Sinnott
Cover Tagline: “To Duel With Diablo”
Number of issues between last box pull: 10

What Happened: This fine looking issue starts with a trio of terrifically dressed travelers: Reed Richards, Sue Richards, and Franklin Richards as they get ready to depart from their lives as superheroes. It seems in the issues since I last read from “the box,” Reed and Sue have decided that it would be in the best interests of their young son to move to Connecticut and live a “normal” life.

As the Richards’ spend a few pages saying their goodbyes, we see that the Fantastic Four will continue on with some slight changes in membership. The new lineup will consist of Ben Grimm as the team leader, the Human Torch, the element controlling Inhuman known as Crystal, and the female powerhouse known as Ms. Marvel.


An unexpected lineup for sure, but it brings to mind a question: Which of these characters is the genius-level intellect that serves as a good replacement for Reed? The last time I checked, Crystal wasn’t very close to making her own ultimate nullifier…

Reed tells the Thing that he has earned the right to command the team, and Ben makes the former Mr. Fantastic promise that he won’t come back to save the day the first time the new team falters.

Meanwhile, Johnny flies off to go see his WIFE (I didn’t review that one, apparently…) Alicia Masters, and the two have a scintillating discussion about when the furniture for their apartment will arrive. I only mention it because it has some relevance later.

We cut to a scene at the hospital, where the super villain known as Diablo lies in head-to-toe bandages after being beaten in a near coma by Ms. Marvel last issue. While the doctors talk about the villains wounds, his thoughts reveal that he’s got another trick up his sleeve, well, actually another trick up his moustache.

Apparently Diablo keeps his magic potions all over his body, and he sucks on his moustache to give him a real pick-me-up (I don’t write em folks, I just read em…). The revived Diablo gives us a little history lesson about his life, and it turns out he is the master of Alchemy from a time long past. After he reminisces, he stands and swears revenge on Ms. Marvel…

We cut back to Johnny and Alicia’s love-nest, where the young man is startled by a loud crashing sound. It seems that an audio speaker has fallen into a glass table. Alicia feels embarrassed for breaking it, and swears the table wasn’t there a second ago (I guess her “radar sense” from issue #296 wore off). As Johnny uses his power to weld the glass back together, a purple monster emerges from the table! It turns out the table was possessed. Apparently the whole city is sharing this same wackiness, as the ground outside starts breaking apart and growing tentacles. Johnny decides this is a job for the Fantastic Four and rushes Alicia to safety at FF Plaza…

The new FF groups together, and Crystal realizes that the whole city transmuting could only be the work of the Diablo. As the team surveys the changes taking form, they see that the hospital where Diablo was staying has now taken the form of an old timey castle. As Ben and Ms. Marvel (who goes by the name Sharon Ventura at this point in comic continuity) attack the front door, Johnny and Crystal fly ahead to scout out what’s going on. While the Thing fights alongside the super strong Ms. Marvel, his thoughts reveal that an ongoing attraction for the red clad hottie. Distracted by her raucous attitude and taut bod, the Thing gets blindsided by one of Diablo’s monsters. Let this be a lesson, if you want to keep your head in the game, always hire an uggo to join your superteam instead of a stone cold fox…

We find Johnny and Crystal having similar luck, as the two former lovers argue with one another as they fight Diablo’s machinations inside the castle. Crystal is edgy because she is undergoing a rough patch in her own marriage, and Johnny is worried that she wants to impose upon his recent marriage to Alicia Masters. The two yell at each other some more, and Crystal runs off to face Diablo alone. Just then, Ben and Sharon break in, and the team joins up to face Diablo together.

The FF corner Diablo, and just as he is about to pull another potion from his moustache (So. Incredibly. Lame), Ms. Marvel grabs him and foils his dastardly plan. The big D gives up, and much like the ending to an episode of Scooby-Doo, he is quickly carted away by the authorities. If it wasn’t for those meddling superheroes….

We end the issue with the team chillaxin at FF Plaza (because that’s what people do there!), noting that they once they actually worked together like a team, Diablo didn’t stand a chance. You think most of these characters would have learned that lesson about 300 issues ago, but I guess it’s always nice for a refresher….

What I Thought: I honestly NEVER knew about this incarnation of the team, and that made it a total blast to read this issue. Although a lot of time is spent with Reed and Sue saying goodbye, there is an actually feeling that they’re leaving the team for a while. Of course, any real comics fan knows that a team member’s departure is going to be short lived, but it always livens things up to bring in some new blood for a while.

I will say that in reality, a person probably wouldn’t assemble a team of exes to serve alongside them in their superheroic purposes. While it lends itself to drama for the readers, I’m just a little unsure that a group like this would work out. It’s almost too much of a forced soap opera spin, but at least in this instance I was kind of hooked.

Overall, this issue felt like a really entertaining Saturday morning cartoon. There are some interesting little character interactions, we get the villain’s backstory in a quickie flashback (which is great because I didn’t know anything about Diablo), and the “fight” is wrapped up in a neat little package. There’s even the whole “lesson” type epilogue, a la “Saved by the Bell.”

I haven’t looked ahead to see which issue is next from “the box,” but I hope it still features this team. While I don’t think I’ll ever stomach an FF team that features a full time aberration of the original lineup, I always like to see the rise and fall of these substitute teams. So until Diablo decides to shave off his moustache, vive le fantastique!

Hello Nurse!

Thinking Outside the Box: Fantastic Four #277

(Editor's Note- For those of you out there who don't yet know my story, this blog started as a way for me to document my journey as I navigate my way through a giant box of Fantastic Four comics that I won on eBay. Although I've always had a mild interest in the team, buying such a large lot of their comics at once ignited within me a mad desire to go back and buy any and all of the other FF comics I can get my hands on. For those comics bought after the initial box of 163, I confer upon them "outside the box" status.)

Fantastic Four #277-"Full Circle"
Cover Date: APR 1985 Price $.65
Cover Tagline: "The World's Greatest Comic Magazine" Writer/Artist: John Byrne


What Happened: For details on what happened in the beginning of this storyline, please follow this link. This story picks up pretty much where #276 left off, but in a rather interesting manner. Told entirely in "split-screen", this issue is like two full plots for the price of one. Or at the very least, it's like 2 player Goldeneye for the Nintendo 64. Yeah, it's that exciting.


In the top half story, we get the return of Ben Grimm, a.k.a the superhero known as the Thing, to Earth from the Planet of the "Secret Wars." The Thing is back and for some reason wearing boots and a black unitard, and his first order of business is to visit his longtime gal friend Alicia Masters. Of course, Ben opens Alicia's door to find none other than his supposed best friend Johnny Storm shacking up with her. In a moment that's been a long time coming, Ben calls Johnny out for being the player that he is.



The two argue, and of course, Alicia breaks it up. Alicia slaps Grimm (proving she really is blind), and tells him that it's more than hanky-panky, she actually loves Johnny. While the Thing never intended to actually get back together with Alicia, he feels slighted that he wasn't even able to express this to her without the "love struck Romeo" getting in the way.


As the lover's triangle heats up, Ben notices that something weird is going on . He turns to see strange happenings with the Sun. Apparently an alien world is hurling towards the Earth. Talk about the best moment ever for a distraction. As Ben, Johnny, and Alicia wonder what's going on, the entire Earth begins to shake. The two heroes spring into action,as Ben rushes off to help people and Johnny goes to drop Alicia off at the Baxter Building. While there, Johnny meets up with she-Hulk and the always politically incorrect Wyatt Wingfoot, who tells him that reports of damage are coming in from all over, meaning that the new planet in the sky is quite a threat. Johnny tells everyone to hang tight, and flies off. Alicia yells for her darling to be careful, revealing that her Johnny got a "thang" going on. This prompts She-Hulk to ask the obvious question: What will Ben think?! And Alicia mentions he just found out. At these revelations, She-Hulk realizes her time with the FF may be coming to a close...


We shift back to the Thing talking to a hottie on the street, asking if she needs help (because it's always more fun to save hot people), and she tells him that the "world-merge" is happening as she transforms into a really ugly orange creature. The creature shoots a tentacle into the Thing's head, and he realizes it must be a "Dire Wraith." Of course! That's totally logical?????

Anyway, the Wraith promptly passes out, and we find out that its entire planet has been destroyed by a space station. The editor's note tells us to read Rom #65 for details. Did you know this was some kind of crossover issue? Surprise! neither did I....

Any way, the top story ends with She-Hulk saying she will leave the team now that Ben has returned, even though it saddens her to do so. Ben tells her not to worry, because he doesn't want his job back. Apparently his new boots (and unitard) were made for walkin!

The Bottom half of the story is more of a direct continuation of the main story from last issue (as well as the video review). Last issue ended with Dr. Strange, Marvel's master of magic, feeling a great disturbance in the force, and flying off to combat the problem. As his story opens, he finds that the small Connecticut town that was attacked last issue is smoldering and surrounded by police. Strange approaches the cops disguised as an average doctor, just lending a hand, and is shocked to find that there are a few dead bodies laying on the street- those of Reed, Sue, and Franklin Richards.

As strange is taken aback by the fact that the heroes seem all but lost (and I'm taken aback by the fact that Sue is in her underwear for some reason), everyone's favorite paranoid budinski Mrs. Chalmers shows up to tell the police that her neighbors were really demons in disguise. Strange's interest is piqued, and Chalmers reveals that she hired the exorcist Elspeth Cromwell to dispatch the evil pretenders...

We cut to a scene of Susan Richards (no longer in her undies but in full FF gear) being tortured in Hades by Mephisto, Marvel Comics answer to the Devil. As any good husband would, Reed tells Mephisto to get his brimstone scorched hands off his wife. Mephisto goes onto show Reed whose boss, in a comically frightening manner, by stretching his face like silly puddy.

And like any good wife (geez, Reed and Sue love each other, we get it), Sue yells at Mephisto to stop, before he kills Reed. Old Phisty says that deaths not a problem anymore, and proves it by impaling the Invisible Woman on a stalactite, or stalagmite, or big poky thing. As she writhes in pain, Dr. Strange appears to help the FF. Phisty knocks the good Dr. back, and Strange realizes the demon is getting a power boost from a nearby crystal. Strange then notices that the crystal contains none other than Franklin Richards. Strange goes to free Frankie, and Reed realizes that Mephisto is afraid of the lad.

Reed also realizes that the FF aren't actually dead, but just in a mental form of their bodies, and that's why they're in their uniforms and not their underwear. Strange blows open the crystal, and Frankie wakes up in a haze. Mephisto goes to clobber the boy, but then this happens:



Franklin, as a powerful reality shaping mutant, literally wishes Mephisto away.


Well, the FF wake up from death, and Dr. Strange lets Mrs. Chalmers know that she severely misjudged her neighbors. He also says that Mephisto probably isn't gone for good, and may be back someday to ruin Spider-Man's marriage in a poorly-conceived and divisive storyline. Oh, and by the way, Elspeth Cromwell doesn't wake up. Ding Dong, the witch hunters dead, and it's pretty much thanks to Mrs. Chalmers....


What I Thought: Normally, my thinking outside the box reviews won't be this long, but I'm glad to say that this was one of the best issues I've read of FF since I started buying heinous amounts of them.

I think what made this issue so satisfying was that it tied up a few storylines with an urgent sense of pacing. We FINALLY see the Johnny/Ben/Alicia thing come to a head, the Mephisto story gets a quick ending, and even the worst part of the story (the Rom tie-in) is brushed aside inconsequentially enough for it to be ignored. The split-screen storytelling may seem cheap and gimmicky, but at least it's something different. I've stated many times that John Byrne did a lot of different things during his time with the FF, and this issue is another example. I feel like a broken record saying that but it's true. I mean seeing Mephisto torturing the FF in Hades is something I don't exactly expect from my monthly FF comics, but Byrne used the situation to allow the characterizations of Reed, Sue, and Franklin to really shine.

Well that's it for now. I start my summer vacation tomorrow night, so I hope to unveil a new feature or two here within the week!!! See you soon, and until unitards become cool, vive le fantastique!

Did you even know we were at war?